For Alex.

This last week has possibly been one of the most difficult I’ve had in Uganda.  Scrap that, it HAS been.  I’ve written blogs before about how much I love the communities we work in, but most of all I love Banda.  Banda is my baby, its my kid, it’s the community that I spend every day of my life in, loving it back to life and away from pain and hopelessness.  The last few days have felt a lot like Banda is escaping my grasp.  Its wriggling out of my grip.  Like a child that is fighting the hold of their parent.  Banda is pushing me to my limits.

On Friday in the early hours of the morning I was woken by my housemates.  We had brought Alex into our clinic as he had been really sick the last few days and we wanted to keep an eye on him.  When they came through my door I could feel something was up.  You know the feeling you get when you know its too late for you to change anything, too late to go back and do it differently, too late to stop the words that are about to escape and reach your ears changing you forever.  I had one of those moments.  And the words just keep replaying in my mind over and over.  Alex died.  Just two little words.  They cant be taken back.  I'm changed forever.

Its times like these that I really realise how much I need Jesus.  I need to feel close to him.  To hear his voice.  Otherwise I don’t want to be here.  Its too painful. 

I can remember the day I found Alex.  He was sat just outside his house all alone and I scoped him up in my arms and held him for a while.  I sat with him and stroked his back.  I told him he was really loved and that it was all going to be okay.  Alex was a little boy that had no hope.  He suffered from HIV and a horrible case of TB and I could see that from the moment I saw him.  He was dying.  After that day we committed to going back to visit Alex as often as we could.  We eventually put him on our feeding programme and would bring him clothes and toys when we could.  I remember how at first he was so sick he wouldn’t be held by anyone but his Mama.  He would be so fussy and was sulky whenever any of us came near him.  Slowly the more we went to see him the more he would soften to us.  Gradually he became one of our little boys, he became this little boy full of life and love.  He would run to us as we walked down his little street.  He would stretch his hands up to me to pick him up.  He would cry when I left him.  He was the manifestation of what love can do in the face of evil. 

I think that’s what I'm finding so hard about his death.  To me with my earthy eyes all I can see is that death won, evil won, and that hurts.  If that is true then that makes everything I have ever believed about Jesus a lie.  It means that hope is useless and faith doesn’t work.  It means I cant change the world around me and I cant trust in anything.  It is very easy for me to trust Jesus when witch doctors are getting saved and people are getting healed, but in the face of death, when you look down on one of your little ones once alive and full of life, now empty and cold its not so easy to believe the words Jesus once said.   

I think most people have been there at some point.  Maybe it doesn’t look the same as what I am walking through right now but disappointment happens to everyone.  For many it is a far too familiar feeling.  But I have come to this conclusion.  I have a choice to make.  What am I going to believe in?  Death or Jesus? The answer is obvious to me but at the same time it has been in hiding.  It still is a little.  To me it feels like I'm letting Alex down in some way, if I chose Jesus and let go then I'm saying what happened to Alex was okay.  It feels like if I allow Jesus to heal my heart I will lose Alex, I will forget, I wont remember what it was like to love him anymore.  My heart is afraid of that.  But I think the most beautiful thing is that Jesus knows that and He’s willing to wait for me.  He is willing to wait for me to find the answer to a question that is so simple and uncomplicated.  That is the beauty of the one who loves not only me but also loved Alex, still loves Alex. 

So Alex this one is for you.  I'm going to let my heart be healed but I'm not going to forget you.  I'm going to remember with everything I am that you were a little boy who I loved.  You were a little boy who was transformed by the power of Heaven.  I'm going to believe Jesus and not death.  For you.