Anyways! As some of you may know before leaving the UK a had a miniature breakdown....this involved a whole day of crying down the phone to various different people (thanks, you know who you are) and attempting to rationalise all the change that was happening around me...thoughts that went through my head were along the lines of "how do i slow this process down?" & "i wonder what would happen if i just miss my flight to the US "by mistake" and dont ever leave the country ever again?". For those of you that know me this is the opposite of how i normally feel about travelling......i LOVE travelling, its one of my most favourite things in the whole world!! So for me this experience was pretty terrible. After some serious reassurance from friends and from Jesus i ended up screwing my head back on and pulling myself together. Looking back on it i realise now i was pretty much just freaking out about Uganda. I felt like i was leaving for good, and i really wasnt ready!
Im learning that God can take me on a path I am afraid to take, because he knows that doing what Im afraid of will kill my fear. Even if at the beginning i dont even know what im afraid of, or what fear dying even looks like! He does. He knows. And i trust that. More than the fear i trust him. And you know what? He always kills the fear. It has to die. Fear has no choice when you say yes to Papa God.
For me it looked like getting on a plane. It looked like a reunion of friends. It looked like an abandoned heart. It looked like the Holy Spirit. It looked like the cup of joy and the cup of sacrifice. It looked like my heart growing and expanding for a people i have never met before. It looked like the faces of the kids im going to fall in love with when i get to Uganda....and thats just the start.
I feel like my heart has been changed, i feel like my eyes have been opened a little wider, and i feel the anticipation of a God in love with me who knows that Uganda will kill my fear. He is excited, because he knows. So much more than i could ever know, he knows.
Over the summer during Soul Survivor i felt God ask me if i would walk blind into my future, he asked me if i would be willing to take every step without knowing whats next for me. I said yes, and i havent had to wait long to experience what that looks like. For me the feelings i felt before the states were me walking blind. And it was hard. But my Dad is GOOD!!! He is so so GOOD! And his leading is like nothing else.
So on Sunday i leave for Uganda (The date is 10/10/10 - it means something!!!!!) and im excited. I feel prepared because of what Jesus did whilst i was in California (thank you!) and even though fear tries to creep back in i remind myself that fear is dead. God knows what he is doing, and even though i feel like my heart currently isnt big enough, HIS IS!!!!! And he trusts me to borrow it for a while....or FOREVER.
Following your blog, friend!
ReplyDeleteI was sharing with my friend Jesse the other day about all the craziness that has happened to me in the past 2 weeks since with the conference and with you guys. I shared with him about God expanding my heart for people and how His perfect love perfected in me is casting out fear.
He in turn shared Hebrews 11:8 with me so I share it with you. Jesus might be asking you to following "blindly", but His eyes are still open as He leads you:
Hebrews 11:8-12
"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
By faith Abraham, even though he was past age—and Sarah herself was barren—was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore."
Abraham didn't know where he was going. He was blind. But He believed God. I like to change out "belief" for "trust" (our English translations fail us) and Abraham was called righteous because of that trust.
Thanks for the encouragement, Hannah. I'm excited for your journey that is as much inward as it is outward. It's as much about your heart becoming more like His as it is your heart loving the babies and people you will meet in just a few days! Praying for you as you go and follow Him blindly. It's funny that your blog is "following love" because when you follow Love Himself, you are in the best place you could ever be. Prayers and blessings be with you as you embark!